The Brokenness in Me

Bliss. Joy. Happiness. Love. Those are all words I would use to describe my beginning with Kyle Cherry. I wanted to believe in his pretty words and promises. The way he told me he knew I was special when he met me and he had never felt this way before. I wanted to believe him when he said he hoped we would be together forever. But doesn't everyone in the beginning? I mean who goes into a new relationship saying, " Man, I hope this guy breaks my heart into a million pieces." I was all too happy to move my things in when he said that as long as we were together (and he hoped it was forever!) his home was my home. But then things started creeping up that most sane people would say were red flags like the very fact that he moved me in a month into this new relationship. His anger was explosive. He started yelling at me and calling me names (red flag!). But his anger didn't just extend toward me. It extended to his kids and family as well. He used the F word as often as people take a breath of fresh air. But I loved this man. He had good qualities too. He was very generous and giving, but what I failed to see or what I refused to see was all the taking he was doing too. He was taking my love and my trust and my loyalty and using it to his advantage. It wasn't long before I realized (Ok, I went through his phone), he was texting his soon to be (or so I thought) ex-wife telling her how much he loved and missed her and his family and how he would always be there for her. Every morning he would leave me and text her. After reading that, I got up in the middle of the night and almost left but he convinced me to stay. Six months into this relationship, he grew ill. The ever dutiful girlfriend I rushed to his side at the hospital. As I sat by his bedside, as he vomited into a bag, he turned to me and casually told me he had been talking to another girl. As I absorbed this shocking revelation with devastation his sister-in-law called me and informed me the whole family hated me and I should just leave Kyle. I informed her that he wanted me there and she asked me then why is he going on dates with other girls? Another shock. I was numb. Everything in me told me to get up, grab my things and walk out the door and leave him in that hospital bed. But I loved him! How could I just leave in his time of need? So, like a fool I stayed. For the next several months, things just got worse. I couldn't get the other girl out of my head. How could he do this to me after all the love and devotion I had shown him and his kids? Soon things came to a head on my birthday. He took me to lunch bitching the entire time because I couldn't keep up in the shoes I was wearing. He was irritated our lunch took so long, he had to get to work. On the way home, we got into an explosive fight and he ended it, on MY BIRTHDAY! I was broken hearted. I couldn't believe he would do this. I was sure we could work through anything. But deep down I knew that wasn't true. I had thought about leaving myself but then he would say or do something sweet and I'd stay. None of my friends understood why I stayed and warned me that the ending was going to be very bad. I knew this. I agreed with this. We tried the whole friendship thing. I don't know why I try to be friends with exes. It never works. He lied to me for four months about seeing someone else. It was like he ripped the wound open again. Kyle Cherry is in the top five of my worst relationships but I stayed because I loved, I trusted, I was devoted. The problem was that I was in a relationship by myself. It still hurts to think about him, to run into him or anything to do with him. I should be well over him by now. I shouldn't still care. I shouldn't want to talk to him, but I do. It still hurts like it did the day he left me, but slowly I'm picking up the pieces he left for me to pick up by myself and trying to put them back together. I'm the only one who understands my pain.