giving up....

I think about death...what would it be like? what would it hold for me? Would my children be able to go on? What would this do to them? Would I go to be with my Jesus or would I be destined to spend my eternity in a hell where the pain never stops? It almost feels like I'm living in my own hell right now? Will it ever stop or will I have to stop it? How do I stop the pain? No one thinks I'm trying, they think I'm letting this control me. But there is no letting..it just is. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and theres no going on. But how selfish would that be? to put others in pain just to cure my own? I know there are people who love me but I just cant see that right now. All I see is darkness no light...where is my light? whats the point anymore...I just dont care anymore I just want it all to end