Devoid of emotion

I used to be an emotional mess. I don't mean cry at a sad movie mess. I mean a REAL mess. And it happened everywhere! I used to wish that I didn't have so much emotion in me. I felt weak and crazy. Then I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (not the same as multiple personality disorder). So I started dbt or dialectical behavior therapy. I still fell apart but not as frequently or way less on the massive scale. It took me two years but I started to get better. Then on new years eve I made a command decision. I decided that other people's actions affect how I feel about myself. I soon found that I was so good at hiding my emotions that I hid them from myself. Now it's so easy to cast people aside that I miss having free emotions. If anyone causes me or my family pain I just cast them aside. So I guess I'm still a work in progress. 

12 Months, 52 Weeks, 365 days of change

12 Months, 52 Weeks and 365 days make up a single year. A year of moments, experiences, expectations, love, heartbreak, hopefulness, disappointment and breath of life. I know, I know, in November most people are reflecting on what they are thankful for at this time of year. I am also one of those people, but I am also reflecting on all the changes I have been through in the past year. In such a short period of time I have fallen madly, hopelessly,all common sense lost in love with a man. I have had that same man rip my still beating heart from my chest like it was something you do on an average Tuesday afternoon. And then he stomped on it for good measure. Then I loved and lost another man who was very near and dear to my heart. Amongst all this loss, I realized I had lost something even more valuable than my love for these dear men, my love for myself. In this spanse of this year I had also left one job and started another and abandoning that job to heal my brokenness. The idea of going to work everyday with my broken heart was just too much to bear. This year I have also started a therapy program for people like me with Borderline Personality Disorder, a diagnosis I didn't even realize I had until this past year. This year, so full of revelation! It has done wonders for me. I have met other young women who struggle with the same things I struggle with on a daily basis and have made some new dear friends. And in lieu of a man I have been seeking, no, running after God in an "Eat, Pray, Love" sort of way without all the traveling. I have been becoming spiritually centered in heart and mind. I have created this sort of protective bubble around myself. Now, I realize I can't live in this bubble forever. One day, I'll have to brave out into this scary world, but for now I feel good and safe. And I am learning to get to know the most important person and to love the most important person in my life and that person is me. I've spent so much time trying to earn the love of a man that I've never taken the time to ask "Susan, what do you want?" I do a lot more of that these days. So, to the next 12 months, 52 weeks, and 365 days may I have an intimate relationship with God and with myself and well, love, it will eventually find it's way to me when God feels the timing is right, but for now I am thoroughly enjoying my solitude.  

Him....

He is a true friend. He has the most beautiful, intense gaze that seems to see right through me in the most inopportune moments. The moments when I want to hide what I think, what I feel behind a silly schoolgirl grin. But he knows. He always knows. While other men have known me in a basically superficial way, he had known me in the deepest way. He has seen the bad, the miserable, the selfish parts of me and he still loves me for them. He has known my deepest, darkest secrets that I keep hidden from the world and still accepts me. He has shown true loyalty and devotion, while others have only shown it for a fleeting moment. He knows when I have something to say before I even say it. He truly listens when I have something to say. He never lies or betrays my trust. He has taught me many life lessons I would never have learned on my own. He has become not only my true best friend, but he has become someone I love even when I didn't know it. 

The Brokenness in Me

Bliss. Joy. Happiness. Love. Those are all words I would use to describe my beginning with Kyle Cherry. I wanted to believe in his pretty words and promises. The way he told me he knew I was special when he met me and he had never felt this way before. I wanted to believe him when he said he hoped we would be together forever. But doesn't everyone in the beginning? I mean who goes into a new relationship saying, " Man, I hope this guy breaks my heart into a million pieces." I was all too happy to move my things in when he said that as long as we were together (and he hoped it was forever!) his home was my home. But then things started creeping up that most sane people would say were red flags like the very fact that he moved me in a month into this new relationship. His anger was explosive. He started yelling at me and calling me names (red flag!). But his anger didn't just extend toward me. It extended to his kids and family as well. He used the F word as often as people take a breath of fresh air. But I loved this man. He had good qualities too. He was very generous and giving, but what I failed to see or what I refused to see was all the taking he was doing too. He was taking my love and my trust and my loyalty and using it to his advantage. It wasn't long before I realized (Ok, I went through his phone), he was texting his soon to be (or so I thought) ex-wife telling her how much he loved and missed her and his family and how he would always be there for her. Every morning he would leave me and text her. After reading that, I got up in the middle of the night and almost left but he convinced me to stay. Six months into this relationship, he grew ill. The ever dutiful girlfriend I rushed to his side at the hospital. As I sat by his bedside, as he vomited into a bag, he turned to me and casually told me he had been talking to another girl. As I absorbed this shocking revelation with devastation his sister-in-law called me and informed me the whole family hated me and I should just leave Kyle. I informed her that he wanted me there and she asked me then why is he going on dates with other girls? Another shock. I was numb. Everything in me told me to get up, grab my things and walk out the door and leave him in that hospital bed. But I loved him! How could I just leave in his time of need? So, like a fool I stayed. For the next several months, things just got worse. I couldn't get the other girl out of my head. How could he do this to me after all the love and devotion I had shown him and his kids? Soon things came to a head on my birthday. He took me to lunch bitching the entire time because I couldn't keep up in the shoes I was wearing. He was irritated our lunch took so long, he had to get to work. On the way home, we got into an explosive fight and he ended it, on MY BIRTHDAY! I was broken hearted. I couldn't believe he would do this. I was sure we could work through anything. But deep down I knew that wasn't true. I had thought about leaving myself but then he would say or do something sweet and I'd stay. None of my friends understood why I stayed and warned me that the ending was going to be very bad. I knew this. I agreed with this. We tried the whole friendship thing. I don't know why I try to be friends with exes. It never works. He lied to me for four months about seeing someone else. It was like he ripped the wound open again. Kyle Cherry is in the top five of my worst relationships but I stayed because I loved, I trusted, I was devoted. The problem was that I was in a relationship by myself. It still hurts to think about him, to run into him or anything to do with him. I should be well over him by now. I shouldn't still care. I shouldn't want to talk to him, but I do. It still hurts like it did the day he left me, but slowly I'm picking up the pieces he left for me to pick up by myself and trying to put them back together. I'm the only one who understands my pain.

The Wrong Dream

The Wrong Dream

It hurt like hell when I realized I could no longer trust in your heart

But not as much as when I realized I couldn’t trust in my own

My own heart and mind had betrayed me just as much as you had torn me apart

Even with you by my side I knew I was very much alone

I put all my hopes in dreams in a man who couldn’t love anyone but himself

When I should’ve been chasing the dreams I’ve had in my heart all along

I couldn’t see past the pretty lies and words I believed myself

I couldn’t see how something that felt so perfectly right was so very wrong

I knew that your behavior would never change; something admitted by you

I guess somewhere deep down I kept thinking that the good in you would win

I never realized I was in a love affair all alone that was meant for two

And you would never love me the way I loved you in the end

How do you know when it's right?

When you meet someone everything seems shiny and new. The sun is shining everyday and the colors all look brighter. Your heart feels like it may burst with joy. But is it real?

My question is how do you know when it's "puppy love" and "real" love? When you would do anything for the other person? When you put their needs and wants above your own? 

To Forgive or to Revenge

I'm sure that in everyone's lives, they've had terrible things happen to them at the hands of others, just because they could. I
have had many terrible things happen in the past 36 years at the hands of others. They were terrible injustices that should never have happened to a two year old child, or a 14 year old child, or a 15 year old child or a 22 year old young woman. Lately, I've been thinking about what I could do for retribution to these evil soulless people who could just take my innocence and make an attempt on taking my life. No justice has ever been done for me and these people keep getting away with their crimes against persons, especially children. I thought about revenge. I wanted to make them pay for what they did to me. It shaped my whole life. Those experiences made me into who I am today and it's not all good. But I also know that I, as a child of God, am called to forgive.But how do you forgive someone who has done such reprehensible damage to someone, especially when it's you or even worse, when it's someone you love. Forgiveness comes out of love, right? So, how do you forgive someone when the hate for them and everything they stand for is so deep seated it flows through your very soul?

Forgiveness is not something that comes easy to me. I would much rather see someone pay for the sins they have committed. But then I am reminded of my own sins. The Bible says if we do not forgive our Heavenly Father will not forgive us. I know this path will do nothing but continue to bring me pain and misery. Our God is a God of Justice. So, I must be patient because I know that in the end, they will pay for what they did to me. My God will seek vindication for my innocence stolen. He has not left me on this earth to seek retribution for wrongs done to me. And today, I believe he has spoken to me through a friend of mine. 

I was perusing Facebook when my friend posted this message and I swear it came straight from Heaven. I have my answer. 

" Today it's time to let go, let go of anything that's bringing you down. Don't let negative circumstances deter you from the wonderful things life has to offer. If it's not uplifting it's not worth it. ‪#‎letgo‬ ‪#‎youreincontrol‬"  Chad J. Merrill

It's not going to happen overnight, but one day I will forgive. And I shall be a happier, more well rounded individual for it.