Living Again

After what seemed like an eternity of darkness, although it really wasnt, I am living again. In reflection, I realize just how dark my life had become. I woke everyday, by God's good grace, and not by my choice. I didn't want to be awake, I wanted God to take me, because in all honesty I'm too  much of a chicken to do it myself. And I guess even though people think I'm this selfish uncaring person, I'm not. As much as I felt like I would never get out of the darkness, I didn't want to hurt those that care about me. But anyway, I wasn't living. I was barely existing. I would get up, I would get dressed. I would get my kids ready for school, and I would go to work. I would force myself to get through the day, and when I couldn't, I would go into the bathroom or closet and cry. Then I would resume my day the best I could. I would play " These four walls" repeatedly, blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault. And only once the darkness cleared could I see that truth. Because never is it better to lie in order not to lose something you cherish very much. I could've lied, and he would still be here. We would be wrapped in each others arms, doing all the things we used to do, but that would be living a lie. I know God will bless me for telling the truth, even if that meant losing the man that I loved. But the truth I realized is that REAL love, TRUE love doesnt give up, no matter what. People who truly love one another work through problems, they don't tuck tail and run at the first problem. So, this wasn't my fault. Doesnt make it hurt any less though. So, I stopped downing tequila like it was air, because at the time, it was air for me. I couldn't breathe without him. How can you breathe when you've stopped living? I didn't eat. I barely slept. And when I looked in the mirror, I saw emptiness in my eyes. I wasn't me anymore. I will always love you Jeb, and I'm not sure I'll EVER find another you, but I never thought I'd find you in the first place. But maybe now, knowing all that I know, I'll find something better. So, now I am living again. I am breathing, I am eating, I'm barely doing more than welling up at the thought of what we had. But that is over. But that doesn't mean my life has to be over.

giving up....

I think about death...what would it be like? what would it hold for me? Would my children be able to go on? What would this do to them? Would I go to be with my Jesus or would I be destined to spend my eternity in a hell where the pain never stops? It almost feels like I'm living in my own hell right now? Will it ever stop or will I have to stop it? How do I stop the pain? No one thinks I'm trying, they think I'm letting this control me. But there is no letting..it just is. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and theres no going on. But how selfish would that be? to put others in pain just to cure my own? I know there are people who love me but I just cant see that right now. All I see is darkness no light...where is my light? whats the point anymore...I just dont care anymore I just want it all to end

broken

The darkness has come, where has gone the light
I can't see past you, I have no sight
I feel empty when you're no longer here
Wherever you are, I want to be there

I wonder what you're doing, You're always on my mind
The man who said, "I'll never leave" so quickly left me behind
Where you used to be, is now  a hole in my heart
How do I exist when we're so far apart

I stare at this box, and wonder what to do
I don't know how to go on with you
Baby, you were all my hope and dreams
Now I'm just ripped apart at the seams

thinking of you

I wake up and think of you Jeb. I think of our first date at the cheesecake factory. The way that you  drove all the way to richmond from Lees summit, just to pick me up. The way everything that was so effortless for us, it happened so naturally.We talked for hours. There were never any awkward silences. We had so much to say to each other. Remember the night we stayed up til 3? Just talking about how we missed each other and you told me you loved me? You swore it was real, and left me just one day later? I don't know how to go on without you baby? Nothing makes sense anymore. I can't eat. I havent eaten since you left. Today is a week since you said those sweet words to me. Tomorrow is one week since you left me. I don't know how to be me anymore. I know now that it wasnt God that took you from me. you chose to leave. 1 corinthians 13 says " love puts up with anything...love always forgives". But you left anyway. I love you so much I can't imagine being without you. Yet here I am living without you. except I'm not really living, I'm just existing. how do I do this without you. No one will EVER take your place. No one will ever live up to you. I love you so much, there is a hole in my heart where used to be. But you took my heart when you left. I wonder all the time what you're doing. I listen to rock music and think of how much you love it. I thought that this would pass and now I wonder if it ever will. When I told you I wanted to die, I meant it. I'm not living anymore....almost feels like it would be better if I were dead.