Saving Lives

I just finished watching "To Save A Life", and I was blown away! It was interesting and it got me thinking. How many people from our pasts have we left behind to pursue new, cooler friends? I know I have. Or how many times have we laughed or made fun of someone who was different, or made someone feel like an outcast? I know I'm guilty. But what we see as harmless fun can be devastating to someone else. Our words, our actions or lack thereof can be life and death to another person. The suicide rate is at an all time high. What if we could make a difference by just reaching out to one person, just one? Too often the cause of suicide is from a feeling of being completely and utterly alone. What if we could change that? What if we could just reach out and let people know they are not alone?

"Never will I leave you; 
      never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

W...O....W...I am glad I am covered by the blood of Jesus

A friend of mine has a daughter who was going to be in a play called "The Glory and The Fire". So, I thought, well that sounds very interesting. The premise of the play was giving different scenarios where people either choose to live their life for Jesus or against Jesus. Well, in this play it showed the devil (with this horribly booming voice and insane strobe lights), and well he was pretty scared. When they first showed the devil, Derek climbed in my life and cried, " Too scary!". And, well yeah, he creeped me out and I'm an adult. So I just held my young son in my lap while we watched it, and he was ok after I explained that these people really weren't dying, and that guy really wasn't the devil. While the kid behind me cried, " I can't do this", and his parents told him to shut up. Kids should be able to express their feelings, but that's a whole different blog. Back to this one. There were many examples given: a girl who commits suicide, a bunch of thugs, a mother too involved in her work, a star too full of himself with no room for God. Then there were the people who went to heaven: the daughter of the too busy mom, the family who refused to renounce God, and the interviewer of the man too full of himself. This was a scary and sometimes funny look at the reality of a life without God, and even worse, a death without God. Live your life for God while you're here on earth. Get to know God through prayer and reading His Word. Let others know about God and His unfailing love. Because, people, once you die, that's it. If you're name isn't in that book of life, you don't get heaven, you get hell, plain and simple. Once you draw that last breath, you don't get to go back and decide that you want to believe in God. And dont let Satan fool you. There is a heaven, and there is a hell. And satan wants nothing more than to drag us down there with him. But when we are covered by the blood, he can't get near us. Think about that. There are those events in life that just transform you...and tonight was one of those nights.

GOSSIP

I'm going to make this short and sweet...you people are the reason I am narcissistic. When you constantly look at me and talk about me, this is why I have such a big head. I must always be on your mind or you wouldn't feel the need to let my name leave your lips all the time. It's a great compliment, but really, you can stop now. Find something else to talk about.  

Proverbs 16:28
Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships.

Imperfect

It seems sometimes I am harder on myself than anyone else really is. I try to live up to this mountain of expectation I have set for myself, then feel like a failure when I can't do it. While, I realize that no matter what i do, I will not be perfect, I still try my best to be. And am always letting myself down. So, I guess, the only thing that I do have control over is doing my best to be the best person I can be, and forgive myself when I can't.

Human Trafficking

I first learned about human trafficking when I was 31 years old, just about seven months ago when I attended a onething conference with The International House of Prayer. To say the least I was shocked. I have learned that children younger than my own are being forced into prostitution, children as young as four years old! These are babies. And don't think it's only in foreign countries that this is happening. It's happening right in our back yards, in Kansas City. This has to be stopped! We have to stop the human trafficking industry, and we don't even have to leave home to do it. Stand with me!

Being open to love

For normal people, love is pretty easy, isn't it? You meet someone and you fall in love. You give them your love, and you receive theirs. But it's not always that easy for everyone. In a perfect world, that's the way it would work, but as we all know we don't live in a perfect world.

Sometimes, circumstances and/or situations, can affect the way we give or receive love. Sometimes, we can be so damaged that giving or receiving love proves to be very difficult. Maybe we've been hurt so badly in the past, by others, that we're scared to try again. Maybe we've lost faith in the power of love. Or maybe we've become so jaded, we simply don't believe in it anymore. I, myself, have experienced all three. Then wondered, why love always eludes me. When the simple fact of the matter is that you have to be completely open to it. You have to be able to risk it all, and give your everything to someone else. It's not always easy, and sometimes, it's even wrong. But in order to find that real, lasting kind of love, we all have to be open to that kind of risk. While it could end in the kind of heartwrenching pain we don't wish upon our worst enemy, it could also end in a love greater than anything we've ever known. So, I don't know about you, but I'm going to take that chance, and just see where it takes me.

Purity

Purity

Everyone says I’m crazy, that I can’t start over

They say I can’t keep playing this game of pretend

They say it’s just too late

They say it’s like putting the ink back in the pen

But You’ve given me another chance

I say it’s never too late

To save it for the one who is worthy

I have been given a clean slate

I wasn’t perfect in my past, I made my mistakes

I lived for myself, doing what I wanted to do

But you have made me pure again, like an infant being born again

Living for what is good and true

I know he is waiting at the end of an untraveled road

Somewhere I have yet to find

And because I have renewed my vow

It will be like the first time

So I may not fit in with what everyone’s doing

And that is just fine with me

You can keep telling me “ It’s not the same”

But Jesus has renewed my purity

When that day comes

I will walk down the aisle wearing a flowing dress of white

I will take his hands, look into his eyes

And only on that night will we unite

This is me

Being that I am 32, it's taken me a long time to get to this point. I am finally happy. I am happy with who I am, without a man. In the past, there have been times that I literally felt like I needed a man to survive, to be happy. I don't feel that way anymore. Now, I know that I want a man, and I know the kind of man I want. I also know that I won't settle for anything less than what I want, what is best for me, and what I deserve. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and now that I am here, it feels wonderful. I want the whole shebang. I want to meet someone I have an amazing connection with, I want to meet the man I'll fall in love with and someday call "husband". But I also want to meet the man that God wants me to be with. Maybe I'll meet him here, maybe not. But I have the learned the most important lesson of all, with or without him, I will be happy and I will have a good life. Because in the end, I have the most important man of all and that man is Jesus.

Green

I've never considered myself a "green" person before, but now, well all that's changed. The recent oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is the responsibility and the fault of BP is an outrage to me! One, these big businesses do things like this and then scramble to cover their own butts rather than just take responsibility and fix the messes THEY created! 583 sea turtles have been found dead, that's not forgetting the birds, dolphins, and "other mammals" that have been found dead. And not just the wildlife that BP has murdered, and continues to murder as the oil leak continues to spread, but what about the human lives affected by this oil spill? If you think this doesn't affect all of us, you're wrong! We as a nation are constantly complaining about immigration laws. We're constantly asking why "foreigners" can't just stay in their own countries. Then, can someone please tell me, why our workers are being forced to go to these other countries to find work because the oil spill has cost them their livelihood? And why BP is refusing to let "outsiders" in to help clean up this oil spill? They will actually have you arrested! So, now it's against the law to try and make this world a better place? And why on earth would we trust the very people who caused this catastrophe to happen to clean it up? Are they completely insane? I've often heard it said that money goes to your head, and in the case of BP, this is true. I am calling on everyone to take a stand on this issue! I, for one, refuse to use BP gasoline! I will boycott BP!

Living Again

After what seemed like an eternity of darkness, although it really wasnt, I am living again. In reflection, I realize just how dark my life had become. I woke everyday, by God's good grace, and not by my choice. I didn't want to be awake, I wanted God to take me, because in all honesty I'm too  much of a chicken to do it myself. And I guess even though people think I'm this selfish uncaring person, I'm not. As much as I felt like I would never get out of the darkness, I didn't want to hurt those that care about me. But anyway, I wasn't living. I was barely existing. I would get up, I would get dressed. I would get my kids ready for school, and I would go to work. I would force myself to get through the day, and when I couldn't, I would go into the bathroom or closet and cry. Then I would resume my day the best I could. I would play " These four walls" repeatedly, blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault. And only once the darkness cleared could I see that truth. Because never is it better to lie in order not to lose something you cherish very much. I could've lied, and he would still be here. We would be wrapped in each others arms, doing all the things we used to do, but that would be living a lie. I know God will bless me for telling the truth, even if that meant losing the man that I loved. But the truth I realized is that REAL love, TRUE love doesnt give up, no matter what. People who truly love one another work through problems, they don't tuck tail and run at the first problem. So, this wasn't my fault. Doesnt make it hurt any less though. So, I stopped downing tequila like it was air, because at the time, it was air for me. I couldn't breathe without him. How can you breathe when you've stopped living? I didn't eat. I barely slept. And when I looked in the mirror, I saw emptiness in my eyes. I wasn't me anymore. I will always love you Jeb, and I'm not sure I'll EVER find another you, but I never thought I'd find you in the first place. But maybe now, knowing all that I know, I'll find something better. So, now I am living again. I am breathing, I am eating, I'm barely doing more than welling up at the thought of what we had. But that is over. But that doesn't mean my life has to be over.

giving up....

I think about death...what would it be like? what would it hold for me? Would my children be able to go on? What would this do to them? Would I go to be with my Jesus or would I be destined to spend my eternity in a hell where the pain never stops? It almost feels like I'm living in my own hell right now? Will it ever stop or will I have to stop it? How do I stop the pain? No one thinks I'm trying, they think I'm letting this control me. But there is no letting..it just is. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and theres no going on. But how selfish would that be? to put others in pain just to cure my own? I know there are people who love me but I just cant see that right now. All I see is darkness no light...where is my light? whats the point anymore...I just dont care anymore I just want it all to end

broken

The darkness has come, where has gone the light
I can't see past you, I have no sight
I feel empty when you're no longer here
Wherever you are, I want to be there

I wonder what you're doing, You're always on my mind
The man who said, "I'll never leave" so quickly left me behind
Where you used to be, is now  a hole in my heart
How do I exist when we're so far apart

I stare at this box, and wonder what to do
I don't know how to go on with you
Baby, you were all my hope and dreams
Now I'm just ripped apart at the seams

thinking of you

I wake up and think of you Jeb. I think of our first date at the cheesecake factory. The way that you  drove all the way to richmond from Lees summit, just to pick me up. The way everything that was so effortless for us, it happened so naturally.We talked for hours. There were never any awkward silences. We had so much to say to each other. Remember the night we stayed up til 3? Just talking about how we missed each other and you told me you loved me? You swore it was real, and left me just one day later? I don't know how to go on without you baby? Nothing makes sense anymore. I can't eat. I havent eaten since you left. Today is a week since you said those sweet words to me. Tomorrow is one week since you left me. I don't know how to be me anymore. I know now that it wasnt God that took you from me. you chose to leave. 1 corinthians 13 says " love puts up with anything...love always forgives". But you left anyway. I love you so much I can't imagine being without you. Yet here I am living without you. except I'm not really living, I'm just existing. how do I do this without you. No one will EVER take your place. No one will ever live up to you. I love you so much, there is a hole in my heart where used to be. But you took my heart when you left. I wonder all the time what you're doing. I listen to rock music and think of how much you love it. I thought that this would pass and now I wonder if it ever will. When I told you I wanted to die, I meant it. I'm not living anymore....almost feels like it would be better if I were dead.

Heaven or Hell

What if God gave us an insight into our future eternities? Would this have an impact on the way we are living now? If we were shown that we were going to heaven, would we stop living for Christ, would we stop always doing the right thing, because our eternities were "safe"? If we were shown we were going to hell, would we start living better in order to avoid this torture for all eternity? Or would we think it wouldn't happen to us because we're "good people" and God is a forgiving God? Or would none of this matter to those of us who neither believe in a heaven or hell? 

Well, the simple truth of the matter is that Heaven and Hell are both very real places. They're not just an idea of where we may end up. Heaven is not just a fantasy of someplace better than here. And We are given glimpses of  both Heaven and Hell. We are given these glimpses through the Bible. And the choices we make in the here and now do affect where we end up. And we're not going to get there by just being "good people". The Bible very clearly lays out what is expected of us, and what happens if we don't do what God expects of us. And here's the kicker: God doesn't want us to go to hell!! We send ourselves to hell! 

And here's where it gets uncomfortable...

The Bible clearly states that we are to be sexually pure. Yet we sleep around. We "test drive" partners until we find just the right one....or who we think is the right one. Or sometimes we just sleep around just to be doing it.

It also clearly states the dangers of lying, cheating, stealing, etc. Yet we seal our fate by doing those things too.

The Bible views homosexual activity as an abomination...yet so many claim they are born that way. 

There are so many things we do that are sealing our one way ticket to hell.

So, here's my invitation not only to you, but to myself as well. Seek out Jesus!! Don't just say you're walking with God, actually walk with God. Seek a relationship with Him! Share Him with others, and risk being called "churchy" or "judgmental" or " goody two shoes". Even if we're not going to Hell, do we really want to risk those we love going to Hell because we're afraid of what they might think of us?

Alone

I have often heard women say " I don't need a man" or " I'm better off alone". And in return I say, bull****! True, we don't need a man to survive, and in turn they don't need us. We can actually go on living and breathing without a man in our lives. Shocker, I know. But, I, for one am not better off alone. To be completely honest, I don't like being alone. As a matter of fact, I hate it. However, through many years and many dates, I have learned what I want, what I don't, what I will put up with and what I won't. ( I so was not trying to rhyme there).

With that being said, I don't think any of us truly want to be alone. I think maybe we get tired of dealing with all the relationship crap and drama it brings. And this pertains to all relationships, not just the romantic sort. We get tired of our work relationships, and our friend relationships, our family relationships, but mostly our romantic relationships. We get tired of the lies, and the deception, and the utter heartbreak that seems to come with most relationships until we just shout " WILL EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" Or at least I do. Don't you ever just get to the point when you've had it and just want everyone to leave you alone for a bit? I do, but it's usually very short lived (well except for the time that I wanted to be left alone for two years, but that came after a  HUGE heartbreak). I don't want to be alone forever, and I certainly don't think that I'm better off alone.

I think that what we really want girls is to find that Mr. Right For Me. You see, the mistake many of us make is having this vivid picture in our heads of this perfect guy. Well, he doesn't exist! But what can exist is Mr. Right For Me. This is the guy that is your other half. You really connect with this guy, on a level higher than what happens in your bedroom, car, bathroom stall etc. You realize that he's not perfect, nor will he ever be. And your list? Well, toss it now, or you'll never find him. Men are not a list of perfect attributes, or what looks good on paper. Do we want to be looked at like that? No, we don't.

So, instead of lying to the world (and yourself) with all of this "Alone" business, why don't you just remember what it is you really want. Now, I don't know what you really want in a man. And while not everyone wants to be married, well I don't believe that anyone wants a life without love. I believe that everyone wants a life filled with passion for another. I believe that everyone wants a life in which they are loved, and they love someone else.One of the most important dating tips I've learned is always be yourself because they may fall for the pretend you, but once the real you comes out, they will get back up and walk out of your life as quickly as they walked in. Another one is to always stick to your beliefs. There's no reason to be alone. You don't have to be. Just don't waste your time sleeping with all the Mr. Wrongs hoping they'll turn into Mr. Right because, well, that never works either. Take it from me.

I am imperfect.....

I am not perfect....I know, shocker, right? It's true. While I am what some may call a good, Christian girl, I am still not perfect. I am not even close. I'd like to be, but it just can't be done. I have thoughts and feelings that are far from being this perfect Christian so many are expecting me to be. What's wrong with just being imperfect me? In my own personal opinion, absolutely nothing.

What I desire is a happy medium. I don't want to be the type of girl who relishes a life of sin, but I cannot be perfect either. So, I will just be....me. I will not live according to the standards of others. I will only live according  to the standards of God, and what I can live with myself. It is very important to me to be able to look in the mirror everyday. I am tired of living up to everyone else's expectations and judgments, because in the end, I will only answer

So, here it is. I like the Twilight series. I love Christian music, but I also like other music too. I LOVE James Patterson novels. I love kissing. I even love "making love".

When I envision dating in the future (however near or far that may be), I see me with a man I care very much about and who cares about me, the real me. I am done doing what everyone else thinks I should do. And when and if I decide to be intimate with someone that will be up to me. As a matter of fact, whatever I do is up to me. What can I say............I am imperfect.

doing the right thing in a world full of wrong

I know exactly what I want. There are certain things in my life that I KNOW would make me happy. Like, for instance, to have a better paying job would make me happy. To be able to count on all of my friends all the time, instead of just a few would make me happy. To find a hot guy that would fall madly in love with me would make me happy. To light up a cigarette and drink a margarita would make me happy, even if for just a short while. But, I have to wonder, in all these things that I want, what does God want for me? What is going to make God happy?

I can guarantee it's not going to make him happy to be drinking, and smoking, and whoring around. These things may be "fun" in this life, but they don't make God happy with me. Doing those things doesn't give me favor in God's eyes. To be reverent, and obedient, and and obeying God's will (and not my own) is what makes God happy. And more than anything, I want to make God happy. I want God smiling down upon me. I want to live as clean of a life as I can.

I want to be married again someday. I want to meet that guy that really "gets" me. And trust me, none of the guys I've met before have ever "gotten" me. You know when you meet that guy and there's just that connection. That special feeling you get when you "think" you've met the one. That's the feeling I want again. Only, this time it has to be different. It can't just be a feeling. It has to be the whole package. He has to be a God fearing man who lives his own life for God, no matter how difficult that might be.

So, while going to have a drink or two, or deciding to sleep with a man before marriage might be the "popular and cool" thing to do, that's not what I'm about anymore. I'm about pleasing my Maker. And being a drunken whore is not how I do that. I don't judge other people who do that, but I'm not responsible for their eternity either. I'm responsible for mine. So, no I don't care about being popular with the guys or the girls anymore. I just care about being popular with God, and doing what he wants me to do.

God bless and goodnight.

Out of my Control

I have a "Save the World" complex. I want to save the children from child abuse. I want to save my friends when they have troubles in their relationships. I want to save my children from the perils of this world. But more than anything, I want to save people from hell. I want to see each and every one of you in heaven. Sadly, I know there are no guarantees of that. There are people who don't even believe in God. There are also people who believe, yet refuse to heed His warnings. They refuse to obey His commandments. They refuse to do what He says to do. It cuts into their social schedule or the way they are accustomed to living their life. These are the people who aren't going to make it. I see people around me doing what's wrong, not in my eyes, but in the eyes of God. How do I know what's right and wrong in the eyes of God? That's easy. God wrote it to me, in The Bible. The Bible is the guide for my life. That tells me what I need to know.

Lately, I've had to remind myself ( or my best friend has had to remind me) that there are things that are out of my control. Someone being mad at me is out of my control. A friend totally changing into something bad is out of my control. The way people around me act is out of my control. I can pray for them, but I can not change them. There are things that are out of my control. They are in God's control. In the end, all these situations I want to change don't matter because God will change them. It's out of my control. I can't save the world.

The "Fun" Girl

When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than to be in the popular crowd. They were the pretty people. They drove the best cars. They wore the best clothes. They had the best times. Well, I never was in the popular crowd. But when I became older, I became a part of a different kind of crowd. I was in the party crowd. We wore the best clothes. We went to the best places. We had the best times. And we definitely attracted attention. Where I lacked the attention of all the most popular guys in high school, I was definitely making up for now. I was attracting men right and left. The fact that they weren't the right kind of men or the right kind of attention didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was attracting them.

Of course, now I'm not the "Fun" girl anymore. I'm the good girl, and well she's just no fun. That's what some people would tell you. Sure, I don't smoke, drink, or cuss anymore. I don't go to bars, and I don't sleep around. I won't laugh at the inappropriate jokes I used to laugh at, and if you send me one of "those" forward texts, I will immediately delete it.

One of the main things that makes me not the "Fun" girl is my decision to be celibate until marriage. That's right, no sex of any kind until I'm wearing that long, white gown and a ring on my left hand. This also makes dating very difficult. This is one of the reasons I don't date. When you tell a guy you're celibate, one of two things happens. One, he runs in the other direction ( bye bye). Or two, he tells you that you're just so beautiful and amazing and sooooo worth the wait. That is, until he realized that you really mean it and all the flattery and pretty words in the world won't get him down your pants. Then he's running trying to catch up with the first guy.

Celibacy is a choice, but it is also a commandment. God commands us to be chaste. He commands us to use sex in the way it was intended. " We must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids committment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever-the kind of sex that can never ' become one'."-1 corinthians 6 16-20. I choose celibacy because I know what I do in this life affects where I end up in the next.

So, no, I may not be the "fun" girl I used to be. But one of these days, God is going to send me a man who sees me for me. This man will see my physical appearance and want to be with me (because he is a human man), but he will also fall in love with my heart and soul. He will also choose celibacy. He will choose celibacy because it is what God commands. He will choose celibacy because he loves me more than he loves sex. That love is what will carry us through this lifetime. The sex will eventually stop. That love between my future husband and I never will.

Valentine's Day

Ok, so it's Valentine's Day. It's the day when all of you who are so madly in love ( and even those of you who are just sort of in love) display your undying affection for each other. This is what bothers me about this holiday: why isn't there a happy-to-be-single day? Not everyone is in a relationship. Some of us do this by choice, and some of us are forced to do this by circumstance. Either way, we are alone. We have no one showing up with overpriced cards and flowers. We have no one taking us to dinner or romantic weekend getaway, we just simply have no one. And having no one is ok. But then when it's Valentine's Day and we have no Valentine, people look at us like we're a creature with a hump on our backs living in the bell tower. Well, we're not.

You know, I used to be one of those people who would get so upset over this day that I was inconsolable. It was so unfair! Why was I the ONLY person in the world who didn't have someone?! It wasn't until recently that I realized that not only was I not alone, but I also had someone who loves me. I have God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit that have more love for me than I will ever know from any man on this earth.

And furthurmore, when I look around me and see the destructive relationships others have, it makes me wonder why I ever was so desperate for a relationship in the firstplace. If having a relationship involves lying, cheating, constant arguments, deception, and false love, then I don't want one. I'll stick to my singledom, thank you very much.