Living Again

After what seemed like an eternity of darkness, although it really wasnt, I am living again. In reflection, I realize just how dark my life had become. I woke everyday, by God's good grace, and not by my choice. I didn't want to be awake, I wanted God to take me, because in all honesty I'm too  much of a chicken to do it myself. And I guess even though people think I'm this selfish uncaring person, I'm not. As much as I felt like I would never get out of the darkness, I didn't want to hurt those that care about me. But anyway, I wasn't living. I was barely existing. I would get up, I would get dressed. I would get my kids ready for school, and I would go to work. I would force myself to get through the day, and when I couldn't, I would go into the bathroom or closet and cry. Then I would resume my day the best I could. I would play " These four walls" repeatedly, blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault. And only once the darkness cleared could I see that truth. Because never is it better to lie in order not to lose something you cherish very much. I could've lied, and he would still be here. We would be wrapped in each others arms, doing all the things we used to do, but that would be living a lie. I know God will bless me for telling the truth, even if that meant losing the man that I loved. But the truth I realized is that REAL love, TRUE love doesnt give up, no matter what. People who truly love one another work through problems, they don't tuck tail and run at the first problem. So, this wasn't my fault. Doesnt make it hurt any less though. So, I stopped downing tequila like it was air, because at the time, it was air for me. I couldn't breathe without him. How can you breathe when you've stopped living? I didn't eat. I barely slept. And when I looked in the mirror, I saw emptiness in my eyes. I wasn't me anymore. I will always love you Jeb, and I'm not sure I'll EVER find another you, but I never thought I'd find you in the first place. But maybe now, knowing all that I know, I'll find something better. So, now I am living again. I am breathing, I am eating, I'm barely doing more than welling up at the thought of what we had. But that is over. But that doesn't mean my life has to be over.