thinking of you

I wake up and think of you Jeb. I think of our first date at the cheesecake factory. The way that you  drove all the way to richmond from Lees summit, just to pick me up. The way everything that was so effortless for us, it happened so naturally.We talked for hours. There were never any awkward silences. We had so much to say to each other. Remember the night we stayed up til 3? Just talking about how we missed each other and you told me you loved me? You swore it was real, and left me just one day later? I don't know how to go on without you baby? Nothing makes sense anymore. I can't eat. I havent eaten since you left. Today is a week since you said those sweet words to me. Tomorrow is one week since you left me. I don't know how to be me anymore. I know now that it wasnt God that took you from me. you chose to leave. 1 corinthians 13 says " love puts up with anything...love always forgives". But you left anyway. I love you so much I can't imagine being without you. Yet here I am living without you. except I'm not really living, I'm just existing. how do I do this without you. No one will EVER take your place. No one will ever live up to you. I love you so much, there is a hole in my heart where used to be. But you took my heart when you left. I wonder all the time what you're doing. I listen to rock music and think of how much you love it. I thought that this would pass and now I wonder if it ever will. When I told you I wanted to die, I meant it. I'm not living anymore....almost feels like it would be better if I were dead.